Room Full of Chi

After the first three moves of our first Tai Chi Chih practice together at the retreat in Santa Barbara, I would have been content to go home, fulfilled, not having a clue what was in store. The over all feeling was that we were ready to be there. That we were ready to have each and every move dismantled and then to practice immediately each and every dismantled move.

I know in my experience over the past three years with Tai Chi Chih, that nothing separates me from the Chi, nothing separates me from the soles of the feet, like uncertainty. When I am uncertain of the placement or movement of hands, feet, body, my attention stays in the mind and I am a pyramid standing on its point instead of the base.

I am particularly attuned to the uncertainty because, in addition to the normal uncertainty of the learning process, I have a paralyzed left foot and weakened left leg. I have no feeling or motion below the ankle and wear a brace that allows no movement in the joint. Balance? Stand on one leg? You’ve got to be kidding. The very first time I attended Pam’s class in Santa Barbara, I realized I had been standing on one leg, (the good one), for four years. From that day, true healing, strengthening and confidence began.

What’s it like doing Tai Chi Chih with a paralyzed foot? Picture the worst asleep foot you’ve ever had. Now, while it’s asleep like that, stand up, put your full weight on it and extend your other leg until the heel sets lightly on the ground. Do I view this as an infirmity? No, actually it is a gift, a koan, an unanswerable question that gets you past your mind into no thought. How do you put your attention into the soles of the feet when you can’t feel your foot? Plain and simple, the Chi holds me up, not just through the soles of the feet, but from all sides and above.

When I am uncertain and thinking, when my mind wanders, I falter, I stumble, I lose my balance. And it’s not just my Chi, it’s everyone’s Chi, it’s Chi everywhere. And that was the gift for me at the retreat in Santa Barbara. That the Chi is exponentially larger than the sum of its parts. That the support manifests itself in the able teaching of Sister Antonia and Pam and the wonderful community that is all of those who recognize its benefit and apply themselves sincerely and whole heartedly to it.

During the practice before dinner on the last full day of our retreat, the harmony and peace, the moving stillness brought tears to my eyes as I experienced in that room what is truly possible in the whole world.