Allowing the Chi

Wow! I feel so energized! It’s great to be back in the classroom. There were times this past year when I wondered if this day would ever come. But I believed that if it was meant to be, it would happen.

It was just about a year ago that I got the first inkling that something was wrong – those dreaded words “there’s something on your mammogram that needs to be checked out!” The first doctor I went to was all wrong for me, but I came to realize that I was not meant to stay with him. His manner pushed me to look elsewhere for help. As I searched for answers, feeling lost, confused, assaulted in body and spirit, the person I needed was placed in my path. She pointed the way to the doctor who saved my sanity and my life. I needed to “allow the Chi,” and it drew me to my eventual destination – a warm, compassionate doctor who set me on my healing journey from my first moment with her.

It’s been an amazing year, with pain and fear, but tremendous growth. I had so many questions to answer and decisions to make, and my T’ai Chi Chih practice helped every time. I often asked for guidance as I practiced, and then “allowed the Chi.” Sometimes the answers came to me as I moved; sometimes they took longer in coming. But I knew once I’d made a decision, that it was the right one for me. Through all the tests and procedures, I remained calm and positive by mentally performing T’ai Chi Chih movements or simply turning to my center and waiting in the stillness. As I prepared for surgery, I “allowed the Chi” to direct my life and trusted that I was in good hands.

During my first days of recovery, I performed the T’ai Chi Chih movements mentally. When I was able to sit up and move, I performed the movements seated. Once I could stand, I did so. The movements were small and stiff and wobbly, but they felt good anyway. Gradually, as I built up my strength and began to loosen up, I was able to practice longer and regain my form. I think my practice is now slower and softer and more fulfilling than it ever was before. I am learning to listen to my body, trust my instincts, and take charge of my own healing.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. As I tried to understand how I am meant to use this illness, I began to wonder if the combination of my knowledge of the T’ai Chi Chih form and my experience with breast cancer may have provided me with a unique perspective on dealing with such stressful life experiences.

Throughout my diagnosis, treatment and recovery, I found my T’ai Chi Chih practice to be extremely helpful in trying to calm myself, keep my spirits up and make important decisions. Perhaps I can share part of myself with those who are also on the journey, and this article is one attempt at doing so. Through an interesting chain of events, I was asked to teach T’ai Chi Chih classes at a local hospital and that, in turn, has led to other potential opportunities to talk about the benefits of T’ai Chi Chih practice. So, once again, by “allowing the Chi,” I was shown when I was ready to resume teaching and where I was needed to do so. I am confident that the Chi will continue to show me the way.

Partway through my recovery, I was reading one of my Vital Force Journals, and came across some Pyramid Poetry. Suddenly my thoughts and experiences started forming Pyramid Poems in my head. Then they began spilling out on paper. I’ve never written a Pyramid Poem before – I didn’t know I knew how! (Perhaps I don’t!) I’ve included some of them here because I think they’re far more expressive than prose.

I
asked
why me?
The reasons are many.
Accept, and go forward.
You will be shown
the way.

* * *

Be
still
and know
the quiet within
for it is
truth and
love

* * *

Softly,
without fanfare,
knowledge tiptoes in
bringing with it surety
and understanding –
answers from
within

* * *

Calm
soothing
coming home
healing with kindness
warm touch
confidence
love

* * *

Healing
a journey
with its own pace
but where will it lead me?
not sure, need patience,
knows what’s right
for me

* * *

Thoughts
and feelings
assail the senses
soft movement sooths the soul
fears depart and
calm returns
healing

* * *

And so, my healing journey continues, and I know that the Chi will take me where I need to be if I will allow it. There are still some things I can’t do, and some I may never be able to do again, but I’m grateful for all that I can do, and for the gift of life that has been given to me. Sometimes I can’t believe what I’ve been through, but I realize now that it has become part of who I am and what I have to give. Too many times in my life I tried to make things the way I thought they should be, despite the fact that, over and over, the Universe showed me the error in my ways. My illness was a life-changing experience that taught me to accept what is, and to be grateful for all that I have. And my T’ai Chi Chih practice showed me that when doubts and fears creep in, I should let go and “allow the Chi.”