Dissolving Hinderances

When we are grounded enough and connected enough to the flow, life does just that: flows without hinderance. And what may seem to be hinderances have a way of dissolving or transmuting.

I realized I had that experience when teaching my very first T’ai Chi Chih class, although I didn’t know it at the time. It is only in reading about my experience now that I have a new perspective on what happened. While clearing out some old files I came across an accounting I had written about teaching my first class. I do not journal or usually write about my experiences, so I was surprised to see this and don’t remember having written it.

This is what I wrote a few days after teaching my first TCC class:

I remember having such a mixture of feelings that I was amazed one person could have so many emotions moving inside at once.

I had spent a fair amount of time during the preceding week preparing as best I could and then spending a couple of hours before class going over the teacher’s manual (again), just to keep as much information foremost in my mind as possible. I also spent some time practicing TCC hoping this would calm me and clear my mind.

I surprised myself at my lack of nervousness. I was feeling very calm driving to class when I noticed the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, but I thought of them more in the realm of excitement than nervousness. Knowing that I had prepared the best I could gave me confidence not to be nervous, only excited.

Then I was standing in the room. Fifteen students had signed up for the class. They began to enter, and enter, and enter until 21 students filled the room. Just for a brief moment fear passed through me, but then quickly changed to curiosity. I was curious if I would make it through the night. No, actually, I was anxious for the night to get on, wondering how things would go, would I lose my balance, would I get tongue tied, would I not be able to answer a question, knowing all of these and other unexpected things could happen. Yet I didn’t fear them happening, I only felt curious, wondering if they would and how would I handle it.

My class ended with only a few minor glitches. A woman approached me and thanked me for the class and preceded to tell me she was under a lot of stress and didn’t realize how much she was tied in knots until we began moving and she felt her insides unwind and her whole body relax. She will never know how much that meant to me to hear that after teaching my very first class.

Having confidence that I had prepared as best I could and confidence that what I was presenting had validity turned nervousness into excitement and fear into curiosity.

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Reading this years later it sounds as if I was detached, somewhat, from the outcome, as if I was only curious as to how the evening would unfold and how Sandy would respond to events; let’s see how she will handle this, let’s see what she will say about that. I have a hard time believing I seemed so cool. That was 35 years ago. Where did that cool go? Where did that detachment to outcome go? Maybe I am not doing as much TCC or maybe the force was with me that night. I was wrapped in the flow, allowing me to let go.

It feels a bit narcissistic to share this personal experience and my feelings about it, but it demonstrates what Justin often referred to as Entering the Cosmic Rhythm. When we are deeply immersed in our TCC practice we can let go of all our conditioning and assumed expectations. The essence of our being, that which was before we were born, can truly express itself.

I am glad I had written my thoughts of that night. Not only did it bring back a good memory, but in reading it 35 years later I see what unfolded that night it in a different light. There are several other experiences over the years that I wish I had noted, ones that didn’t make logical sense or seem noteworthy. If I could read about them now, I might see them in a different light.

I suppose it is not necessary to find meaning in our experiences or even understand them. But sometimes it can serve to shine a light on our path’s journey. It may help us realize that things are happening on another level than what we may perceive in the moment.

May we move with confidence that this practice is a vehicle to removing not only energy blockages but conditioning, emotional and social restriction or blockages. As in my story it changed fear into curiosity and nervousness into excitement.