I See You and I Hear You, Ego

There is more than one type of big ego. The type most people probably think of is the “big-headed” person who is basically conceited. But what about the big ego that is more hidden? The one that developed as a defense a long time ago, probably as the result of abuse of some sort or another? That big ego “protects” the person from further hurt. Or so it thinks.

All ego is a strong attachment to self, whether it’s offensive or defensive in its outward expression.

Practicing T’ai Chi Chih over the last 14½ years has shown me my ego. Interacting with Justin Stone over the last 12½ years has definitely shown me my ego. T’ai Chi Chih is a gentle friend, usually, and shows you yourself little by little, one small step at a time, and then helps you repair afterwards. Justin Stone is this, too, but he can also be much more blunt, which, in my experience, leads to the most profound changes. Justin also helps you repair afterwards — if you allow him to help you. Having both of them (T’ai Chi Chih and Justin Stone) in my life, I find that the two work symbiotically.

When interacting with Justin, it’s better to not EXPECT any particular outcome; doing so can end in disappointment. Sometimes he alludes to something when he speaks to you, but many times he speaks as directly as possible. It’s NOT always pleasant to hear what he has to say. But what does “pleasant” have to do with TRUTH? If you are lucky enough to have an interaction with him that does NOT go pleasantly, (i.e. you got your feelings hurt, or you got angry or you got sad, or irritated or anything else not “pleasant”), CONGRATULATIONS; you’ve been shown something about yourself (your “self”) — now you just have to decide what you’re going to do with the information!

To get mad and give up is the easy way out, and gains you nothing, except one more grudge to bear!

When I struggle with whatever he has said to me, I (eventually) come to my senses and say internally, “What on earth do you possibly think Justin has to gain by saying such a thing to you? Is there ANYTHING you think HE will get out of it? The man did it for YOU, to help YOU! If he spent the effort to show you whatever it is he showed you, then he thought it was WORTH his effort — in other words, he thought you had the capacity to DO something useful with it! He is a teacher looking for good students.”

What I end up doing, essentially, is telling my ego to be quiet! Yes, I see you and I hear you, Ego, and you have served a purpose in the past, but I see something else, too.

In the movie “The Hurricane” which came out last year, this scenario is portrayed very well in the scene where the actor Denzel Washington is having it out with these two sides of himself after being sent to the “hole” of the prison he is in. On the one hand, he had his Ego shouting and on the other hand, he had this quieter, sadder side of himself really LOOKING at how he’d gotten in that “hole”. This side was looking clearly at his Ego and seeing that it was being fueled by HATE and would continue to land him in the “hole” (or the equivalent) as long as it had control. Finally, he told the Ego to shut up. The hurt side of himself was then allowed expression, so it could (eventually) be healed.

Living in Albuquerque now affords me the opportunity to be worked up and down, inside and out by Justin on practically a daily basis. It’s not easy. (“For who?” I can hear Justin say in my mind. “For this limited Self” is my answer.) But I’m grateful to be here, finally, after soooooooo many years of considering it (and of course creating our own excuses, reasons, etc. for NOT moving sooner). I’m grateful to be here with my teacher. I chose to come. That choosing makes it all a bit easier. I know I frustrate Justin — I’m stubborn, willful and about a hundred other things. But underneath it all, there is great respect on both sides for this deep learning that is going on, and on my end, incredible gratitude that he puts up with me!

One of the things I am most grateful for is the chance to practice alongside Justin at the Tuesday morning practices at the New Mexico T’ai Chi Chih Center (open to all accredited instructors of T’ai Chi Chih), and WATCH him, try to let go of “me” and move as he moves. T’ai Chi Chih is the mainstay in my life and I want to move well. I have a long way to go to be soft through and through, and I know that THAT fact is tied to this holding on to self.

One more thing that is helpful to remember on this topic is Justin saying to a group of us, probably at a meditation retreat, and this is a paraphrase, “What’s so great about your life anyway that you can’t leave it behind for a time?” Yes, it was a meditation retreat because he was talking about how “No one enters meditation; there is meditation.” In other words, if you can’t let go of self, there will be no meditation. Not surprisingly, I also have trouble with meditating. Sometimes I can; other times, I cannot, or I do not, even though I still sit there and attempt it. One of the meditation techniques that Justin has taught over the years, and is the one I practice, is about letting go and letting the meditation take over. Even though it doesn’t happen like that very often, the times that it does I know are helpful to my T’ai Chi Chih practice. Even when it doesn’t happen, I still feel better having done it. Justin quotes his Indian teacher often, who said, “There’s no such thing as a bad meditation.”

Why do I hold on to self? Because I am afraid to let go, to be out of control. There are many reasons which led to me being this way. But now, I would like to let go of being this way. I would like to let go.

T’ai Chi Chih, Justin Stone, meditation. These are the reasons I came. I came prepared, (and wanting) to change, to take the next step. I know from past growth that the process can be painful, and then, afterwards, looking back, it’s all a bit funny, or it’s peaceful, instead of being a raging storm.

Welcome to Albuquerque. Welcome to the next stop on this journey. Thanks for the ride, lady.