On Fear and Trust

Recently, when I decided to take a hard look at some of the choices I’ve made and how the consequences of these choices have affected my life, the issue of money came right up to greet me.

Money. One simple word that stirs up an emotional tidal wave of fear. Probably because it stirs up all the childhood memories of Mom and Dad. Rarely a day went by without an argument over money. It was always a battle: my father yelling and withholding, and my mother begging and pleading for every little cent. And it’s not that we didn’t have any money, we did. We weren’t rich, but we weren’t poor. That had nothing to do with it. Money in my family was a means to control, to punish, to deprive.

So consequently, I lived in fear and anxiety almost every day. Think about it. Not a day goes by without having to deal with money. Food, clothing, gas, items for school, birthdays, household expenses, and so forth. There’s just no getting around it. And even with the income my mother earned, combined with the amount of money my father doled out, it just wasn’t enough. As a result, my mother turned to credit cards to help her out. Not a good plan, especially when my father found out. Another heated argument, another bad scene.

Unfortunately, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Currently, I barely make enough money to survive. I’ve charged too much on my credit cards, I have no savings, and I can’t afford health insurance. While this was no big deal in my 20’s or 30’s, now in my 40’s, it is a very big deal.

What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking at all, that’s the whole point. Sometimes my fear of not having enough money is so overwhelming, that I just shut down. I end up feeling helpless and hopeless. But then I remember what I’ve told my karate students about fear: you can face it, or you can run away from it. I had always been running away from fear. And when it came to fear of money, I was running as fast and hard as I could. It was just too much of an emotionally charged issue for me to take a look at. But as we know in our T’ai Chi Chih practice, the more we resist, the more it persists. So I finally made the decision to stop running away from money and my fears surrounding it. When I made the conscious decision to work on this, the universe responded in kind to help me out.

I ordered new checks. They were lost in the mail. I needed a root canal, which cost an arm and a leg. My paycheck, which I desperately needed from the college, wasn’t ready on time. My tax information from the retirement community was wrong. Not to mention I had a car with 242,000 miles that was falling apart. Of course I was totally stressed out, but part of me could see the bigger picture and was laughing inside. “Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it,” I thought. Ah yes, that chi sure is intelligent; and in the future I would be sure to ask for help in fun and benevolent ways.

Eventually the inevitable happened. My car finally died four days before the 2001 Sedona TCC retreat. Luckily the retreat was already paid for, or else I probably wouldn’t have gone. I felt a mixture of panic and relief; relief that I could stop worrying about how much longer the car would last, and panic, in how in the world was I ever going to buy another one? All I could focus on were my past negative experiences. I wasn’t trusting at all.

The next day when I finally got quiet and did my TCC practice, I had the thought, “Know that you don’t know, and that you will be guided.” Part of me felt comforted by that insight, and part of me still wasn’t able to trust it. Later I thought about my limiting beliefs. Just because it took me six months to find my last car, didn’t mean that it would take six months to find my next one. Sounded good in theory, but I wasn’t entirely convinced.

But then two coincidences happened that opened me to trust. First, the day before the retreat, I had lunch at a local Chinese restaurant. I was running a mental check list of last minute things, one of them being an alternate ride from the airport to home. I was thinking of a friend who lives about ½ hour away, when out of the blue, in walked his daughter! Later that same day I received a picture of a dear friend who had died a few years back. I had given up on getting this picture at all, because I requested it from her son about a year before, with no response. So I took its unexpected arrival as a sign that I could trust that things would be ok.

So I made the decision to have fun in Sedona. I decided I’d worry about the car when I got back. Easier said than done, because I started to worry on the plane ride over. So much for trust. Hello fear.

I arrived at the retreat center. The place was magical. A change of scenery helped me take my mind off my worries. Saturday after lunch, I bolted out early to climb one of the hills. Although I loved being with the group, right then I needed some solitude. When I got to the top, I was rewarded with an amazing view. I lay face down on a big rock at the top of the hill, to pray and ask for help. I finally stopped running and came face to face with my fears. It felt good to release the tears.

Later that night the group sat around a bon fire. Ed usually tells me exactly what I need to hear, and this night was no different. “Sharon, when are you going to stop suffering?” he asks. As if it’s a choice. I guess it is.

Sunday evening it was time to go home. Before I left, I bought a stone with the word “trust” printed on it and kept it in my pocket. I didn’t want to leave this fantasy place and come home to the real world. So much for my trust stone, I wasn’t trusting at all.

Monday morning I woke up afraid. What was I going to do? I tried to quiet my inner chatter and meditated for a while. I got that a friend was going to offer me a car. Huh? It didn’t make sense. So I spent the rest of the day in a pity party for one.

At 4:00 PM I turned on the Oprah show. The show was about her angel network. In desperation I belted out loud, “I need an angel!” Then I started laughing, as if that would really help. The show was over at 5:00 PM. At 5:15 PM, my friend Merry called me to welcome me back. I told her the saga of my car. “I wish I would have known sooner,” she said. “I just offered to give my car to my nephew about two weeks ago.” My heart sank. Visions of checking the paper for auto ads raced through my mind. I dreaded making calls and setting up appointments to see used cars. My old way would have been to try to force the issue, to try to talk her into selling me her car. But just as in our TCC practice where we allow a move to happen instead of making it happen, I decided to trust and let things happen.

It was a long story with twists and turns, and it eventually turned out in my favor. The car is practically brand new, has low mileage, and the payments/month are very reasonable.

Once I let go and surrendered, everything else fell into place: Another friend offered to let me use her spare car until I got my new car titled. Two people that I did healing work on, gave me very generous tips. One of my TCC students called and wanted to take me to lunch. Two of my teachers offered payment plans so that I could take their classes. And my neighborhood TCC class had the biggest turnout ever.

It’s embarrassing to admit these insights to myself, much less broadcast them to others. However, I believe our secrets keep us sick, and that facing the truth can set us free.

I know that I’m not irresponsible, I do pay my bills. I don’t blame my parents or anyone else for my problems with money. But obviously I was affected by the way they handled their money. Now that I’m older, I am grateful I attended college and nursing school due to my father putting in many hours of hard work, to bring in the money. But unfortunately, he was not a happy man, and from his example, I made the choice that my happiness was more important than money. It has been my choice not to practice nursing anymore. It has been my choice to open a small part-time karate studio, teach the TCC discipline, and develop my healing abilities. I have always been willing to sacrifice more money for my happiness. It was always more important for me to have freedom and flexibility and be my own boss, than to have a nine to five job working for someone else. But the consequence of these decisions are that I live with constant uncertainty. However, on the flip side, I now understand that it’s not an either/or situation. I can now be happy and have enough money.

I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer. When friends and family suggest I go back to nursing where I’d have a regular paycheck, I cringe. Every cell in my body screams NO! People call it stupidity, I call it the growth of certainty. Even through the dark periods, what I know for sure is that I am a good teacher and healer, and that I have the courage to pursue both teaching and healing as my life’s work. And I trust that if I just stop running so that I can listen, my intuitive wisdom will emerge and that I’ll be ok.

Just like in our TCC practice, I’m now ready to shave off the excess tension and worry. I have demonstrated beyond my wildest dreams that I can manifest a car in a short amount of time. It proves to me that learning my life’s lessons can be easy and effortless. So the next time the money issue comes up to greet me, instead of running away in fear, I think I’ll shake hands.