Physical & Emotional Awareness After TCC Intensive

It is now been three weeks since attending a T’ai Chi Chih Intensive, and I still remind myself to balance my weight on the “dimes” of my feet and direct my attention to the soles of my feet regularly throughout my day, as teacher Marie Dotts taught me. Buddha taught that if one could keep their attention in the soles of their feet – whether standing, sitting or lying down – they could heal a thousand illnesses.

Grounding and body awareness has never come naturally for me. At 35 years old, I have spent most of my years letting my dreamer consciousness travel beside, above or beyond my physical body. Who knows where. “There is nothing to think about,” a Tantric Buddhist teacher once taught me, and I interpreted his wisdom as encouragement to continue on my ungrounded path. Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha – Beyond, beyond, more beyond, even more beyond, Amen.

But my TCC teachers at the Intensive in Colorado made it clear immediately that my tendency to ignore my body and feelings is not compatible with progressing in TCC. Gently and firmly, Marie and Sandy McAlister encouraged me back into my body awareness. Practicing the movements in this way often led to emotional release, accompanied by excitement and gratitude for the ability to feel something, followed by feeling overwhelmed and discouraged by how much effort it took. I thought TCC was supposed to be effortless.

As I puzzled over what I was learning, I realized that in my personal spiritual journey I had lumped non-thinking with non-feeling. My pursuit of non-thinking awareness had brought me to no awareness. I naively considered myself quite the expert at emptiness… whereas the TCC practice I am now learning leads to emptiness and non-thinking awareness through deeply feeling one’s physical and emotional presence. “Feel with your mind,” Sandy told us. Wow. That’s far out. (And still grounded.) What a difference.

On my way home to Montana from Colorado Springs I called my original TCC teacher and dear friend, Christeen McLain. Before I knew it I was crying tears of discouragement (in a crowded airport) as I explained all the ways I had been doing it wrong, and how disappointing it was to realize how much transformation I still needed before becoming a teacher. Christeen listened so supportively and it felt good to release this sadness and allow it to shift into a celebration of gratitude. I now have tools to support the transformation I have been yearning for.

Another time while verbalizing my experience to a dear friend, I broke out in tears explaining it had been a very long time since I felt such respect for a teacher or method, and really opened myself up to learning something new, like I did at the Intensive.

As I continue to process and reflect on my experience, I understand that my personal addiction to escaping my body is rooted in my impulse to avoid emotional discomfort. But now I can use practical grounding techniques to stay present in my body and feelings, notice the uncomfortable emotions as they come up, and deal with them in other ways (like honest expression, emotion code or reiki). This takes discipline and courage, but I’ve discovered that the emotional presence so scary all my life is actually exhilarating and satisfying. Being physically and emotionally present is not just a worthy aim, it is actually one of the deepest desires of my being. I don’t want to be emotionally insulated and protected. I want to be understood. What an immense gift this realization has been.

With this newfound commitment and satisfaction in staying present comes great hope that I can joyously move through some personal, recurring obstacles. Thank you Sandy, Marie, Holly and everyone at the Colorado Springs Intensive. I am enjoying the journey.