Practice

PULL QUOTE: once I’m immersed in the movements time flies by

I recently started a discussion on the Facebook T’ai Chi Chih Teacher Circle page about practicing. For the first time ever, I’m managing to practice daily. I’m loving the consistency – and the effects it has. Yet I still encounter avoidance and resistance each morning. When I confided this to my class, a sigh of relief went around the circle. “Yes,” one student said, “I tried putting it on my calendar, but then it just became another appointment and I started resenting it.”

It often seems like a task to come into myself and practice. Before I start, practice seems like something I do only because it’s good for me, and because I told myself I would. It often starts out feeling awkward. Though my body creaks and aches, I subconsciously expect my movements to immediately feel easy; when they don’t, there is subtle judgment of myself. Or, my mind is already caught up in the day. It flips through thoughts like cards in a deck: concern about a friend, caring for my aging father, homeschooling my son, eating healthy food, “fixing” my chronic illness, wanting to lose weight.

Then I start to connect with my feet. I settle into the smooth rhythm of the weight shift. I mentally let the cards fall as I flow to this internal beat. It doesn’t always happen quickly, and some days I can’t get out of my head enough to find that sense of flow. I remind myself that I don’t have to feel the Chi to know that is working. I’ll still come away refreshed and grounded compared to how I went in.

Once I’m immersed in the movements, though, time flies by. Chi begins to feel like water flowing around me. Sometimes I get caught up in it, splashing and playing, perhaps circling around and around, or feeling the hip swivel, a recent refinement. It brings a sense of balance to chaotic thinking, and energy to sluggishness. I come out of practice seeing the world differently than when I went in. Life feels easier; space and time, more abundant. The quality of the rest of my day is enhanced.

So why is it that tomorrow, I’ll have to remind myself of all of these things again, while my mind tries to dart away to something more urgent?

I have a habit of categorizing my personal practice as one of those things I “should” do, and I resist shoulds. I start to see it as a to-do item and then it gets jumbled in with the rest of the ever-shuffling deck of cards. The word “practice” triggers my habits of perfectionism and needing to please, to do things “correctly.” I used to think of “practicing” as simply perfecting a skill. But the point of TCC isn’t to get it all right and perfect and then let it sit there on the shelf. Practice is about doing, not perfecting.

Here are some of the tools that have helped me get into a daily routine, and some suggestions from fellow teachers on Facebook. Many of us practice outside if we can, or with one of Justin’s DVDs when we need inspiration. Getting ready mindfully helps me, rather than just jumping in; I usually make tea, pick my spot, gather what I like to have nearby, and set up my music. Studying Justin’s writing and other mindfulness resources can help keep practices fresh. Sticking with a similar time of day can help, too, such as immediately after getting up, before the mind is awake.

An important suggestion was not to be self-critical, not to beat ourselves up about practicing – just practice. Recently I’ve been motivated by tracking my practice time with a free app, Insight Timer. It helps me be more mindful about my intentions, deciding length and focus in advance. I enjoy the idea that I’m “practicing with” thousands of other meditators around the world. (I’ve created a TCC group there, if you’d like to practice “together” sometime.)

Also, I’m understanding the word “practice” differently. I am practicing not just TCC but being present, rather than anticipating the future. I am practicing letting go. Sometimes I have to consciously let go of each thought or worry, reminding myself patiently that I don’t need to handle that now. Wouldn’t it be a waste, I remind myself, to be in such a beautiful space and share it with all of that mental clutter? Why not be selfish, just for these few moments, and let everything else take care of itself? It’s not as easy as it sounds. And so I practice. I practice being in this moment, and letting that be enough. I practice showing up even when I don’t feel like I can. I am practicing life, using T’ai Chi Chih.