Where Did She Go

Where Did She Go?

By Jeneth Rundle, Portland, Oregon

“Where did she go?” Justin asked. I was no longer in front of him as he sat on his couch observing the group practice. Where did I go? I had dashed off during Rocking Motion to turn off my phone which I hadn’t thought to silence, and it was ringing. I felt the urgency of embarrassment and dashed away thinking he wouldn’t notice if I did it fast enough. Right!

“Where did she go?” I heard. “I’m back,” I replied. And he watched.

This was my first visit to ABQ, my first retreat with Carmen, and my first and only visit with Justin face-to-face. Earlier in the week I had attended the meditation session held in his home and his presence was strongly felt, although he had stayed in bed and wasn’t seeing anyone that day. This was in May of 2011. Within a year he would pass.

On our last day in town, we got the okay to drop by the house to visit — me, my roommate from the retreat, and Lisa Otero, our teacher. When we arrived, his caretaker escorted him from the bedroom dressed to the nines, of course — black slacks, pink dress shirt with suspenders, and dress shoes. He made an impressive and energetic entrance using a walker. He was radiant as he took us on a guided tour of the house, giving details of each piece of art and telling short stories. He was quite charming, interesting, fun, and amusing. Then we sat in the living room and light conversational chit chat began.

I felt that my opportunity to be really present and engaged with Justin was slipping away. I felt dissatisfied. So, boldly (I’ll call it that because it took some courage on my part) I interjected that our time together would be brief as we were going to have to leave soon for the airport. And I wanted to discuss T’ai Chi Chih (TCC) with him. So, we did!

He was serious and forthcoming answering my questions. I told him about my experience during meditation and of the painting over his sofa which was directly in my line of sight during the session. “I want to buy it.” He smiled and told me it was his most expensive painting, and we would discuss it more the next time we met. I felt he took me seriously. Then I asked him if we could practice together. He said he was not able to do the movements anymore — that he could not physically manage it — and so we should practice, and he would watch. To which my roommate stated emphatically, “But you can still do it with your mind!”

He took a long pause and replied “yes.” His eyes moved slowly as though tracing a vast history of memories and knowledge. “But I miss doing the movements with my body. I loved doing the movements; I miss it.” It was a poignant, truthful moment and his loss was palpable. And so was his humility and teh.

After a spell, Lisa, our teacher, suggested we all get up and do Rocking Motion — and so we did and the practice began. Experienced teachers who had been at the retreat arrived at the house and joined us in our practice, including Caroline Guilott and Sheryl Adair. It was humbling and energetically beautiful to be together in this moment.

And then my phone rang… “Where did she go?” They continued practicing. I rejoined, “I’m back.”

It has everything to do with the source, doesn’t it? Because it was Justin’s voice, I heard it in a unique and challenging way. I heard from the Master, “Where did she go? What could be more important than this practice right now? What means so much more to her that she would leave, even for a moment? What does that say about her?” So I asked myself and I studied my answers. There was so much to learn.

Now to the present. I recently had fusion surgery on my right foot. Within the next few months, I will have the same surgery on my left foot. Because of the difficulties with balance and pain, I haven’t been able to do the practice standing for some time now. I will only gradually move towards having both feet on the floor as I sit. I cannot rock the pelvis because one leg is elevated. And yes, I have had to rely on doing the practice in my mind some of the time. I miss my full use of my body in the practice. Not as profoundly as Justin, but I got a taste of his experience. I love and enjoy my body and love my bodily sensations that come with the movements. You could say I am attached to the feelings.

My practice fell apart again, just as it had off and on during the pandemic over the past several years with a slight clinging, lingering depression. I never thought that would happen to me. I was such a devoted practitioner. But it did. Then, direct contact with the Chi — rediscovered once again! And I can feel it! The effervescence, the circulating, and the balancing of the Chi. How?

Suddenly I hear clearly, “Where did she go?” Awakened once again, I reply, “I’m back!” I see Justin in my mind’s eye, sitting in the cradle of a crescent moon gazing earthward. And he watches. I hear a soft voice, singing in a whisper…

Would you like to swing on a star

Carry moonbeams home in a jar

And be better off than you are

Or would you rather be a…

Note: Although I never saw Justin in person again, he did work out a deal with me for the painting which I received upon his death. And it now hangs in a place of honor in my home. It continues to inspire the very best in me! In gratitude. Namaste.