Let it Flow, by Letting Go

“Set your intention for the week,” Pam’s soothing, mellifluous voice, gently urged us to think about the kind of experience we wanted to walk away with at the end of the Teacher Training Course 16 of us [candidates] had arrived at the T’ai Chi Chih center in Albuquerque for in mid-November.

Indeed, what was my intention, or anyone else’s intention for that matter, but to perfect our practice and walk away with the teacher certificate toward which we had all been working? Then, she added the words; “let go of the outcome, your expectations of the outcome and enjoy the process.” And so it was to be. I was to let go of more than expectations, of anticipating the outcome, and I was to walk away with much more than a certificate to teach T’ai Chi Chih Joy Thru Movement.

I had initially written my intention as: “to experience TCC [practice] in a deep way, transforming my mental awareness and appreciation of [the] TCC [form] to my heart and spirit.” It was a genuine statement. It sounded good.

As that first, momentous, tense, intense, eye-opening, gut-splitting, spirit-crushing day came to a close and we were asked to re-visit our intentions, I thought to myself, “what do I really want to get out of this week — if I don’t focus on the certificate?”

I was sure that none of Justin Stone’s austere corrections were directed at me, so when we were told that it was directed at all of us, and not just the person he was picking on, I had to do a 180 degree turn around. I was sure I was shifting my weight, flowing from the center, from my t’an t’ien, and yinging and yanging completely and correctly. I felt the chi flow…or so I thought.

Revisiting my intention as Pam had suggested, I realized if I truly wanted to have a deep, transforming experience I had to authentically let go. Let go of my ego, my expectations, and my life back in Virginia. The teacher’s constant drone of “concentrate on the soles of your feet” is repeated for that same purpose. To get us to flow. When you concentrate on the soles of your feet, all the mental chatter crowding your mind seems to dissipate into thin air. Whatever is holding you back, whatever is blocking you seems to step out of your way and clear the path for…your journey. Just like with writing. Whenever I am blocked I have to do certain exercises that involves letting go and letting it flow. I held on to that connection, as well as to the connection I made with making it flow from the center. Your waist has to be flexible, expanding and contracting — like a dancer’s.

Yes, I wanted to flow like Pam, like Dale, my instructor, like Carmen and all of the other seasoned teachers. It finally clicked, probably midweek, when I caught myself mulling over the latest traumatic event — (they seemed to be waiting in line) — that had shaken my life. If I truly wanted the chi to flow freely, to deepen and refine my practice, I had to REALLY let go. And that meant letting go of the past and the feelings of guilt, anger, sorrow, that seemed to be spreading through my spirit like hot lava, scorching and destroying everything in its path. I couldn’t just give lip service to “being in the moment.” I had to live it. And when I did, I not only noticed, I felt a shift in my movements. No, I wasn’t flowing like Pam — yet, but I was on my way. As were all of my dear, fellow T’ai Chi Chih teacher candidates, each of whom will remain dear to my heart, regardless of the amount of time I spent with them.

At the end of the week, as we did our final practice session, indelibly printed in each of our hearts and souls, I couldn’t help but notice the collective, unified, harmonious flow and the tremendous energy that emanated from that flow. I thought of us, new and seasoned teachers, as one mighty river flowing majestically yet gently to the ocean to become one with it. Like Becky said, it was a soul-expanding-deepening-heightening experience, undoubtedly one of the most profound most of us will ever experience.

Thank you Justin Stone for the gift of T’ai Chi Chih Joy Thru Movement and thank you Pam, Victor, Carmen and all the teachers who descended to the TCC center to give us such tremendous, loving support.