On Giving & Receiving & Letting Go

It was an extremely hot and sticky Monday morning on my way to teach TCC at the retirement community. The air conditioning in my car was on the fritz, and I realized I was low on gas. I drove to the nearest gas station and pulled up next to the pump. Since I was all dressed up and I always pump my own gas, I made a mental note to avoid getting dirty. As soon as I got out of the car, the garage attendant, Mr. L., hurried towards me. He lifted the nozzle out of the pump, and then I became momentarily confused. Had I pulled up to the full-serve lane by mistake? I quickly spun around and looked at the pump, no, it was self-serve. It finally dawned on me that he wanted to pump the gas for me. Unfortunately, I had to tell him I didn’t have any money for a tip, which made me feel very uncomfortable. He didn’t care, he just continued happily doing his work. Instead of getting back in the car, (which he wanted me to do), and waiting for him to finish, I just stood there watching him. It felt awkward to have someone do this for me since I was capable and always did it for myself. It didn’t seem right, but I did get back in the car. Mr. L. then proceeded to wash my front windshield because it was covered with pollen. The more he did the more uncomfortable I became. He finally finished and I felt relieved. I thanked him and continued on my way.

I started ruminating over what just happened. It never entered my mind that someone would do that for me. Mr. L. was very giving of himself, and it was hard for me to receive it. I was dumbfounded at how a complete stranger was so eager to help me out. For him it was about the joy of giving without expecting anything in return. By not receiving his gift, I would be robbing him of the pleasure of giving it. I questioned myself as to why I was so surprised at his generosity. Hadn’t I been generous like that before? Yes, many times in fact, but it was so much easier for me to give than to receive. I kept asking myself why this was true. I slowly started to connect the dots. Giving was easy; it made me feel good. Receiving was more difficult because I had to be receptive. Maybe it had to do with an element of staying in control. One of my teachers once said that I needed to give up control in order to be vulnerable and receive. Another teacher admonished me to “learn to accept.” And you know that old line, ask and you shall receive? Well, I’m not real good at the asking.

Although I was starting to see things more clearly, my thinking and analyzing were getting in the way. Later, I finally got quiet and did my T’ai Chi Chih practice. I often get insights into dilemmas during my practice. The first insight that emerged had to do with my limiting beliefs. I realized that receiving gifts triggered one of those beliefs. Was I worthy and deserving of such gifts? Intellectually I knew I was, but on a gut level I wasn’t so sure. I knew it was time to let go of those beliefs because they kept me stuck in the past. I needed to move forward and stay out of reverse.

My second insight had to do with a nagging question I’ve had over the past few months. Should I get rid of those journals I’ve been keeping for 25 years, or should I continue to cling to the past? I didn’t particularly care for this insight. I asked myself what the value was of holding on to the journals. I got that my journals were like my faithful friends, there for me when I needed them. They allowed me to review and relive my pain, joy, triumphs, longings, frustrations, anger, etc. But sometimes we have to let go of friendships that have become a burden and no longer serve us. I was very attached to these notebooks that told the story of my life, but I realized the more attached I was, the more I needed to let them go.

After a week of weighing the decision back and forth, I decided to burn all 21 journals. As I ripped out the pages and threw them into the fire, I affirmed that I release my limiting beliefs and that I set myself free. It took about two hours, and I had mixed feelings the whole time. But even with these conflicting emotions, it felt wonderful to get rid of the old and make room for the new. How could I be open to receive anything in the present when I’m cluttered up hanging on to the past? Although it was difficult, I knew it was the right decision because of the many dreams and coincidences that followed afterwards.

So, thanks to one man’s act of kindness at a gas station, I learned about giving and receiving, and letting go. Later that same night I taught another TCC class. Just before class, one of the students gave me a t-shirt, and expressed her thanks.

I accepted the gift, and laughed at the irony.