Softening Into Lessons

In August 2008, my husband Jim and I went on a canoe trip to Quetico Provincial Park in Ontario. Our mental and physical capabilities are tested on every trip. We paddle and portage, set up camp, stay a day or two, and then set out for our next destination. When we got home, I read one of the park newsletters in which a ranger said that visitors cannot possibly see a whole park – so don’t rush. See what you can and don’t hurry. As all things in my life relate to my TCC practice, I had a revelation about how to approach practice: don’t hurry. Since I will never plumb the depths of the practice, I’ll simply take my time. See what I can see, feel, learn about TCC. Since the last teacher conference I’ve been working on softness, and between practicing TCC in the wilderness and reading the ranger’s advice, my practice softened some more.

It was an invaluable lesson … because another was coming right around the bend. Soon after that trip, we learned that Jim needed open-heart surgery for an aortic valve replacement (he’s fine). Learning that we’re vulnerable sent me on an emotional roller coaster and brought me face-to-face with several illusions that I hold quite near and dear. I tried to practice but couldn’t emotionally handle it. I cannot really find the words to describe how it felt. What I could do, though, was sit. To ground, I drew on the energy from fellow teachers. Mentally I could visualize others doing TCC, and it calmed me. My physical symptoms from anxiety dissipated. I did this several times a day until I could do my physical practice again. At first I felt I was “stealing” energy from the group, but I grew to feel the group was sharing with me, soothing me. It still comforts me that when I am doing my practice, I might be helping someone else.

This story ends with hurting my hip so badly in early November that I could not practice for a month. I returned to a mental practice but sorely missed the physical one. Once I was physically capable of practicing again, I thought, “Ah, this is beginner’s mind.” Between not doing it for a month and then practicing with restrictions to limit the pain, my form has softened, slowed, and become new again. It’s truly been a learning experience. I start my practice in the resting position – but mostly I start in gratitude and love.