The Joy That Bubbles Up

As this year’s conference draws near I find myself reflecting on how my soul has grown and unfolded since the last one. I am in a much different place. During April Leffler’s presentation on Prajna, we formed small groups taking turns sharing our greatest desire. While we were feeling and expressing our greatest desire, other members of our small group voiced our inner critic/superego – the voice of what I call our True Nature. They whispered thoughts aligned with their respective roles. My greatest desire was to allow the joy that bubbles up from the soles of my feet. At that time I was struggling with believing that True Nature would support my joy. Why would I NOT believe that True Nature wants us to live in joy? The answer lies in what Justin refers to as our habit energies.

Our habit energies are deeply embedded in our psyche and cells, the result of our conditioned past. This conditioning creates a core feeling of being disconnected and separate from the flow of the Life Force. This separation creates a world of duality and conflict. When we act from our habit energies we often become identified with the inner child or the superego (the internalized voice of our parents and early environment). My soul child has a core belief that she is unlovable. She feels unimportant and insignificant and definitely not worthy of joy. Being disconnected from her own source of love she must get this from others.

My habit energies orbit around the belief that I need to earn this love by being loving and giving to others. My superego’s job is to continually reinforce this and ensure the maintenance of my habit energies. I have been working with the patterns of my habit energies for quite awhile and have untangled and digested much, but the Chi wants to flow through every nook and cranny of our bodies and souls. It wants us to be completely open to the fullness of who and what we are. To support us in this unfoldment the Chi brings the exact circumstances into our lives that will help us wake up to our habit energies. By waking up to them we become free of them. Below is the Chi at work for my unfoldment and freedom.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Nine months before last year’s conference I was working full-time as a CNA for Hospice but the energy for the job was deeply waning. There was no joy arising in my body for the work. At the same time I was feeling a lot of energy and excitement for dedicating my time to teaching TCC. Just like in the Prajna exercise I could feel myself oscillate between the voices of the superego and True Nature. With my family depending on my income, my superego would tell me that there was no way I could leave and follow my joy. There was a deeper layer, however, a much more ingrained habit energy. It was the feeling that True Nature was against me much like the energy of a bad stepmother in fairy tales. When I was aligned with this voice I only felt tension and contraction in my belly. No Chi flow and no joy.

The principles of TCC support us in getting free from these false identifications. When we focus on the soles of our feet or our bellies we are connecting to the alive Presence that we are. We can separate ourselves from the voice of judgment and align with Truth. When I did that I could just relax and observe the energy arising in my body. What I experienced was the natural ebb and flow of the Chi. The Chi was just expressing the natural flow of contraction (full-time job) and expansion (teaching TCC). I did not have to “do” anything. Just BE. The Chi is the real doer. A few weeks later at work, they said they needed to lay off three people. I volunteered. It was perfect. Through unemployment insurance I would provide for my family and build my TCC classes simultaneously.

Back to last year’s conference. My first level of unemployment was coming to a close. I had made many teaching contacts but had gotten few responses. The habit energies were being triggered again. Would the Chi really support me? Am I really allowed to live a life from joy? Again the principles of TCC were there to support me. TCC teaches me to stay connected to my true center, my tan t’ien. This helps me disidentify from the false and deficient center of the ego. It also holds and welcomes the feelings of the soul child without identifying with her. Feelings not safe to feel when I was younger. These blocked feelings block our Life Force and are the source of our habit energies. I welcomed all of her feelings of fear, sadness, pain and rejection but mostly her desire to be loved. In allowing these feelings the held energy was freed, the habit energy let go of.

When I returned from conference, calls came in and classes started. I have been actively teaching this whole past year and the ripple is growing. I am filled with gratitude for the joy that I feel sharing this loving and deeply healing practice and supporting my family. I am hosting my first TCC retreat in the Rocky Mountains soon. My only job is staying present to the Chi by focusing on the soles of my feet and the tan t’ien. This connects me to my own strength and the power needed to separate from the voice of the superego and align with the voice of True Nature. In this place I am able to be with whatever is arising without judgment. There is a feeling of softness and effortless flow.

The Chi has its own flow and wisdom. I can never be separate from it. I AM the flow. My life is a journey of deepening my trust in this flow and truly allowing the JOY that bubbles up from the soles of my feet.