Unexpected Consequences

The T’ai Chi Chih accreditation experience this past November in Albuquerque was transformative. The joy of doing TCC – with 16 or more dedicated people twice a day over the period of one week – changed my mood and my outlook about myself. I also believe it changed my view of myself as a teacher.

I had been “performing” as a substitute TCC leader to an established group for several weeks prior to accreditation, but I had not experienced the joy in the movements that others had described. Why? What was I doing wrong? It affected my mood; I frequently became tense.

At accreditation, I thought this mood was due to the inherent pressure in being a teacher candidate and ignored it. It got worse as the week progressed. I kept hearing the words, “let go” in corrections from auditors. I felt my body was loose, so I was letting go. Then, an auditor said to me, “This is strange. I see you smiling and happy when talking to people, then you start a TCC movement and I can’t see you anymore. Where are you?” Wow. When I “performed” the movements, I became somber, expectant (will I perform well enough?), fearful (would they accept me?), self-critical (I’m not good enough to do this). The auditor’s statement opened my eyes to self-criticisms I thought I’d abandoned. 

With this awareness, and the love and support of those around me, my mood began to elevate. I could feel the openness to help from everyone. I found myself cheering inside when someone who was having trouble with a movement broke through and got it. This was pure joy.

This deepening of the TCC experience is helping me to discard layers of “survivor armor” I feel I’ve had to wear for most of my life. With the help of this deepening Chi, I feel I am pulling back emotional layers (habit patterns) that I no longer need, and I am finally able to see pathways that can lead to my more authentic self. I feel this will make me a better, more sensitive, confident and aware teacher and person. This is the time to let go. I now have the awareness to do it.

I am so grateful to Justin Stone and his gift of TCC for teaching me a way to live my life more fully and with so much more meaning. In gratitude:

awareness

in the
soles leave fear
no room
now