For Justin and Carmen

As the author aligns with the universal flow of the chi, and the practice of T’ai Chi Chih continues, she cannot help but change. If the author tries to think about what to say, the structure gets muddy. If she gets out of the way, the structure and corresponding words tumble out softly as the chi tumbles out the fingertips. There is an ever-present reciprocal relationship between practice and life. (In reality there is no difference at all.) T’ai Chi Chih holds up a mirror to who and what I am at any given moment. The awareness is carried throughout the day until it blinds, but the longer the author practices, the longer the mirror can be held out without blinding.

We can flow with the universal energy or struggle against it. It is our choice. And yet, once the awareness of it increases to a critical point, there is no choice. The flow has begun. Why would anyone want to swim against the tide?

I wanted my presentation to be perfect; I do not generally try things unless I am reasonably confident I will be “successful.” My presentation was average and that is difficult. My expectations were great. It is difficult to express the magnitude of the benefits I’ve received from T’ai Chi Chih but I wanted to share them with the world. More specifically, I want you to know that your time has not been wasted.

My deep fear was that I had to be perfect for you to love me, that I had to prove my worth. This displacement is really, of course, in relation to my parents. I thought that if I could just be more faultless, they wouldn’t act the way they did. I know this is not true about you. This acceptance is difficult but growing.

It is no coincidence that I am a different person than I was five and 10 years ago. (I was introduced to T’ai Chi Chih 10 years ago and became more serious about it five years ago.) The only major difference in my life is the practice of T’ai Chi Chih. As my practice continues to deepen until my last breath, so will my alignment.

It is no coincidence that I used to be deceitful; now I am more honest. Three weeks ago when I went to the bank, I discovered that the person before me left $20 in the ATM machine. It didn’t occur to me to keep the money; it was not mine. I returned it to the bank. I cannot take or take credit for words or actions or ideas that are not my own.

It is no coincidence that I used to judge and now I am more observant.

I used to be more a person of ideas and lists; it is no coincidence that I am now more a person of action. The only thing more than the doing is the being, but I do not live on a mountaintop.

The house I currently live in was the first one I looked at nine years ago. But I proceeded to spend the next month frustrated, looking at a dozen other houses. It was no coincidence that I was led to that house, but I didn’t know that then.

It is no coincidence that as I have found more patience in my practice, I switched from a 35mm camera to a 4×5. I purchased the 4×5 camera about 10 years ago, but never had the patience to use it. I now take two or three hours to make one photograph rather than taking two or three rolls to make 40 images. As my practice unfolds, my creativity unfolds. My photography mirrors my inner “progress.”

Sitting at the computer used to result in trips to the chiropractor; it is no coincidence that I now visit him mostly to say hello.

I used to get down on myself quite a bit, think myself a “bad” person. Now that I practice T’ai Chi Chih, which is very obviously a marvelous and “good” gift, it is with growing acceptance that I admit “I’m a good person.”

I used to fear death. My fear now takes the shape of apprehension. I doubt this is coincidence. I have faith it will move in the direction of fearlessness. Doing T’ai Chi Chih adjacent to an ancient heiau [sacred site] in Hawaii, I experienced a fleeting lightness: my movements felt so complete that I was certain that if I had died at that moment, all would have been complete. Part of me did die; parts of me die all the time and life continues, stronger, different.

It is no coincidence that my relationship to time has changed. I now see eternity in a moment, in a movement. I have had a glimpse of timelessness.

I was sexually abused for 13 years and was not in my body. T’ai Chi Chih (and Carmen) brought me back. My body betrayed me; now it guides me. I know this is not a coincidence. This body, which I now feed and water regularly (usually), is the vehicle through which all this glorious stuff is gently worked out.

At the training, someone touched me and my mind was not happy about it. (My body did not recoil though.) Tears came to my eyes as my mind remembered. When I immediately went into a movement, the tears stopped. I felt and remembered a new, strengthening alignment with an infinitely stronger source. I cannot be hurt again. I am a different person.

There is absolutely no question that T’ai Chi Chih coming into my life was not coincidence. That T’ai Chi Chih came through Justin Stone is no coincidence. That my gratitude is unbounded cannot be denied. Not a day passes when Justin and Carmen are not in my heart, my mind, my body, and my consciousness.

It is no coincidence that my resistance to life mirrored my resistance to T’ai Chi Chih. I now embrace both and know it is my responsibility to give back some of what I’ve come to know through T’ai Chi Chih. It is not something I take lightly or will do carelessly.

That is some of what I wanted to say, what I wanted you to know. I am moving more rapidly along the continuum because of you. I will always be a student. Thank you from the deepest recesses of my marrow.